Ewwwww.

1. From the file at work today:

*CHI: yy what is it in your [= my] vagina?
*CHI: who's [?] in it?
*CHI: I think maybe there was poop in it.
*CHI: I think maybe there was stuff in it.
*CHI: I think it was pink stuff.
*CHI: I think it was white.

My job is so glamorous.

2. From the Onion's review of Psychonauts:

You play star student "Raz," (short for Razputin) a spirited cadet called into action when an evildoer steals the brains of all your classmates and teachers, save for a wizened old-timer who appears whenever you lure him with a piece of bacon.

And...

In a suburban neighborhood laid out like an Escher painting, for example, workers drone lines like "Being on the road crew is arduous but rewarding," and "I wear sunscreen while trimming hedges to prevent melanoma from developing on my skin."

I want this game.

I don't even play video games.

3. From an email from Mom:

"Dad and I met with the board of directors at the Methodist Church tonight, and I didn't say fuck even once."

Right on.