Today's lesson: Mormon Masturbation
First, that photograph is laughable.
The truth is that not everyone does it (and most of the websites that tell you otherwise are trying to make money off ads related to sex).
So a pro-masturbation stance equates with profiting from the porn industry. Got it.
Thus prophets anciently and today condemn masturbation. It induces feelings of guilt and shame.
And they never considered that those feelings of guilt and shame might be related to the fact that the Church tells people to feel guilty about it?
Luckily, the Mormon Church provides some helpful tips for those attempting to overcome addiction to self-stimulation.
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.
Because self breast exams are the medical establishment's ploy to lure us all to the Dark Side.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.
By all means, eliminate all opportunities to reflect on your behavior in a rational manner. If you surround yourself with "good company," you're less likely to do something detrimental like think for yourself.
The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists.
Whatever you do, do not think about pink elephants. Those sexy, sexy pink elephants.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED!
What about wet dreams? Are those just as bad as masturbation? People who say wet dreams are natural and unavoidable are obviously making money from the sex industry.
BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind!
NO pink elephants. Got it?
Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated.
But while you're composing and conveying these reports to your Priesthood Leader, KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND.
It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
Yes, catering to biological imperatives is selfish and indulgent. Does the Church also have a program to overcome unnecessary eating or sleeping?
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
By all means, change your entire personality if you happen to be an introvert. God doesn't want you to be yourself. He wants you to Win Friends and Influence People.
If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. It sounds goofy, but it actually works!
Sexual pleasure will then be forever associated with cringing disgust. This makes for a strong, healthy marriage.
12. During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open.
Because encouraging exhibitionism and voyeurism is better than touching yourself.
13. Get out of bed immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
IGNORE morning erections. They are a figment of your imagination. They do not really exist.
14. Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder can cause you to feel sexually stimulated. As strange as it sounds you may find that going to the bathroom often makes it easier to refrain from masturbating.
But doesn't that entail touching yourself more often?
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Bible, for example, held firmly in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
Unless, of course, your Bible is battery-operated.
That would be awesome. Someone should make a Bible vibrator. To the three people who will read this: get on it.
The truth is that not everyone does it (and most of the websites that tell you otherwise are trying to make money off ads related to sex).
So a pro-masturbation stance equates with profiting from the porn industry. Got it.
Thus prophets anciently and today condemn masturbation. It induces feelings of guilt and shame.
And they never considered that those feelings of guilt and shame might be related to the fact that the Church tells people to feel guilty about it?
Luckily, the Mormon Church provides some helpful tips for those attempting to overcome addiction to self-stimulation.
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.
Because self breast exams are the medical establishment's ploy to lure us all to the Dark Side.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.
By all means, eliminate all opportunities to reflect on your behavior in a rational manner. If you surround yourself with "good company," you're less likely to do something detrimental like think for yourself.
The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists.
Whatever you do, do not think about pink elephants. Those sexy, sexy pink elephants.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED!
What about wet dreams? Are those just as bad as masturbation? People who say wet dreams are natural and unavoidable are obviously making money from the sex industry.
BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind!
NO pink elephants. Got it?
Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated.
But while you're composing and conveying these reports to your Priesthood Leader, KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND.
It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
Yes, catering to biological imperatives is selfish and indulgent. Does the Church also have a program to overcome unnecessary eating or sleeping?
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
By all means, change your entire personality if you happen to be an introvert. God doesn't want you to be yourself. He wants you to Win Friends and Influence People.
If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. It sounds goofy, but it actually works!
Sexual pleasure will then be forever associated with cringing disgust. This makes for a strong, healthy marriage.
12. During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open.
Because encouraging exhibitionism and voyeurism is better than touching yourself.
13. Get out of bed immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
IGNORE morning erections. They are a figment of your imagination. They do not really exist.
14. Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder can cause you to feel sexually stimulated. As strange as it sounds you may find that going to the bathroom often makes it easier to refrain from masturbating.
But doesn't that entail touching yourself more often?
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Bible, for example, held firmly in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
Unless, of course, your Bible is battery-operated.
That would be awesome. Someone should make a Bible vibrator. To the three people who will read this: get on it.
Labels: fundamentalism
1 Comments:
If this were a parody, it would be flippin' awesome. Sadly...
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