More Bible Quotes They Didn't Teach In Sunday School
All of which were pointed out in Ben Edward Akerley's The X-Rated Bible.
Genesis 38:9 ...it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground....
Maybe the kiddies will read that and think the "it" is a glass of apple juice?
Psalms 38:7 For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease....
No comment here.
Genesis 19:8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes....
Judges 19:24 Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you....
Lovely times they lived in -- adherence to a strict code of hospitality was worth offering one's own daughters up for rape.
Judges 19:25 ...the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning....
The obligatory rape and torture scene.
II Samuel 12:11 Thus saith the Lord...I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbor, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.
Apparently wife-swapping is okay if God organizes it.
Proverbs 23:27 For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit.
I find it difficult to believe that whoever actually wrote that didn't realize how unfortunate those metaphors are.
I Samuel 2:22 ...they lay with the women that assembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
Prostitutes hanging out in front of the church, all right!
Genesis 18:12 ...Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?
Insert plug for Viagra.
Joshua 5:3 And Joshua made him sharp knives, and circumcised the children of Israel at the hill of the foreskins.
I wonder if Biblical archaeologists have found the remains of the Hill. Probably not. Foreskins biodegrade pretty fast.
I Samuel 18:25 ...The king desireth not any dowry, but a hundred foreskins of the Philistines....
I guess some guys really dig foreskins.
Proverbs 5:18-19 ...rejoice with the wife of thy youth...let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
I thought we were supposed to be guilty about sex.
Malachi 2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces....
God apparently hadn't progressed beyond the anal stage when this was transcribed.
Exodus 33:23 ...I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts....
See above.
Isaiah 16:11 Wherefore my bowels shall sound like a harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kir-ha'resh.
See above.
Deuteronomy 23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord.
Got that, eunuchs? You're not allowed in the club.
Song of Solomon 4:5-6 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies. Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.
Again, I thought we weren't supposed to rejoice in lowly matters of the flesh.
And finally...Ephesians 5:12 For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret.
So why are sex and matters of sexuality discussed so frequently in the Bible itself? Perhaps an extreme case of do as I say, not as I do.
Genesis 38:9 ...it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground....
Maybe the kiddies will read that and think the "it" is a glass of apple juice?
Psalms 38:7 For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease....
No comment here.
Genesis 19:8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes....
Judges 19:24 Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you....
Lovely times they lived in -- adherence to a strict code of hospitality was worth offering one's own daughters up for rape.
Judges 19:25 ...the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning....
The obligatory rape and torture scene.
II Samuel 12:11 Thus saith the Lord...I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbor, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.
Apparently wife-swapping is okay if God organizes it.
Proverbs 23:27 For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit.
I find it difficult to believe that whoever actually wrote that didn't realize how unfortunate those metaphors are.
I Samuel 2:22 ...they lay with the women that assembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
Prostitutes hanging out in front of the church, all right!
Genesis 18:12 ...Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?
Insert plug for Viagra.
Joshua 5:3 And Joshua made him sharp knives, and circumcised the children of Israel at the hill of the foreskins.
I wonder if Biblical archaeologists have found the remains of the Hill. Probably not. Foreskins biodegrade pretty fast.
I Samuel 18:25 ...The king desireth not any dowry, but a hundred foreskins of the Philistines....
I guess some guys really dig foreskins.
Proverbs 5:18-19 ...rejoice with the wife of thy youth...let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
I thought we were supposed to be guilty about sex.
Malachi 2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces....
God apparently hadn't progressed beyond the anal stage when this was transcribed.
Exodus 33:23 ...I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts....
See above.
Isaiah 16:11 Wherefore my bowels shall sound like a harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kir-ha'resh.
See above.
Deuteronomy 23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord.
Got that, eunuchs? You're not allowed in the club.
Song of Solomon 4:5-6 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies. Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.
Again, I thought we weren't supposed to rejoice in lowly matters of the flesh.
And finally...Ephesians 5:12 For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret.
So why are sex and matters of sexuality discussed so frequently in the Bible itself? Perhaps an extreme case of do as I say, not as I do.
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